“We are born to love!” writes the anthropologist Helen Fisher.
It is engrained in our brain, in our mind…yet in these days love is superficial like most things. Swiping left and right is more common than working hard to make it work. And sometimes just one thing is missing…DESIRE
I am writing on this today because I have another friend of mine getting a divorce. I have interviewed her along with 3 others. Everything in this couple’s life as well as the others was going great.
Both partners were super smart, friends, hard workers, excellent parents, in shape, good looking, both entrepreneurs, making great money, spending quality time as family in beautiful vacations spot.…yet something went wrong!
I kept wondering what was it, why? What stopped working?
The answer from each couple? The women did not feel desired. They lacked shared intimacy. They didn’t feel beautiful in their husband’s eyes.
Yes, the man told his wife “you look beautiful” but too often after she had to asked if she looked pretty.
His answer when asked why he did not tell her more often: “She knows she is beautiful, everybody tells her already.”
Yes, she knows, yes, she hears it from others…yet the one she needs to hear it from to feel desired, she does not get it. She does not feel desired.
One woman told me, that when they had intimacy it seems like it was a chore for him, or just a way to satisfy his needs. The intimacy was not an exchange, it was not fun. She did not feel wanted!
I asked one of them why she did not talk to him about it. She responded that she tried a couple of times, but she wanted it to come organically as well and not being forced.
She said, “It did not feel heartfelt. I want to feel like he has to restrain himself from keeping his hands of me, I want him to lust after me, I want him to look at me the way he looks at passersby, I want him to desire me! When I don’t feel that, it is hard to be intimate”
It was shocking to hear that desire took such a big part of the decision of divorce.
I will leave you with this lovely article by Rabbi Shmuley Boteach to help you to understand this issue better.